February Writing Challenge 2014: Day 2
A past/current relationship
I’m going to admit, I’m not sure how comfortable I am sharing this part of myself with the world. At the beginning of the year I promised myself that I’d do the things that scared me the most. I’ve been single for two-years going on three. To date I’ve had two serious relationships. At first I wasn’t sure which one of them would get the spotlight. I decided my first love would make a brilliant story. However, as I write this I have to admit that would be too easy. It is a story I’ve told many times. So I’m here to admit I had a fling. The hopeless romantic, the champion of love was for nine months in an undefined kind of sort of, but not really relationship.
It came a few days after the one year mark of my hiatus from relationships. I had gotten out of bad break-up and I wanted space. I didn’t want to know anyone or anyone to know me. For a year, I concentrated on healing myself, rediscovering the woman I had lost and for the most part learning how not to hate him and his new girlfriend.
I went out with a group of friends to a club one night. I had just worked a 16-hour day, and had every excuse not to be there that night. I saw him walk in and I said ‘hello’. Up until this point that’s all we’ve ever said to each other. I had known him for about two years and the only word we ever exchanged was hello.
The night carried on, I skipped away to dance with my friends and never gave him a second thought. Until, he came around our section screaming over the music, “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you!” We danced and fast forward to the next morning when he sent a FB message asking me for my number. And there it began.
The good morning texts, the flirting the ‘totally caught me off-gaurd mid-sentence yet passionate’ first kiss. My mind was already listing out all the reasons he wasn’t good for me. He had the unique ability to construct sentences completely made up of expletives, he smoked weed, he drank, was unemployed, he was everything I knew I did not want (I even dedicated the song “Trouble” by Taylor Swift to him). He was a bad boy if I ever saw one. It wasn’t long before I knew that ‘us’ wasn’t going to happen. But I had to admit, that I liked the attention and I liked him.
We’d spend hours talking and when I would leave my face would hurt because I had been smiling so much. He was protective, much like a big brother, and I liked that. He made me feel safe, even though I knew that I’d never be in love with him and he’d never be in love with me.
For three months, it was great. We were in the perfect undefined relationship. He didn’t want a girlfriend and I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. I knew that eventually the romantic in me would kick in and I’d want more. When that happened, that’s when the trouble started.
I wanted more, but not from him. Slowly, I realized that I was wasting time playing scared with my placeholder boyfriend. I knew he couldn’t fulfill any of my real needs, he was just a boost to bruised and healing ego. Who didn’t want an extremely attractive guy to give them attention? I had to admit to myself too, that I couldn’t really fulfill his needs either. I just wasn’t the girl for him, and I wasn’t willing to do what it took to be her.
We’d discuss it over and over again. He’d say he wasn’t ready for a commitment and I’d say I wasn’t asking for one. I just wanted to make myself available to someone who would. We’d stop talking for a few days, and then things would be back to normal as if nothing happened.
He wasn’t a bad guy, just not the guy for me. I found myself not caring if he wanted me or not, but I felt trapped. I couldn’t explain to myself that as much as I liked him and found him attractive, I didn’t want to be with him. I felt like I had betrayed myself, how could I have allowed myself to settle for this?
Slowly I distanced myself, and eventually he left the country. I was sad because I missed him, but I also felt I was finally free. It was three months into him being away that I got an email at 2 a.m. He told me that he had fallen in love and was getting married and that we could no longer be friends because his fiancee was uncomfortable.
I was shocked. In my head, our friendship had already ended. We hadn’t spoken for weeks and we were drifting apart from months before. What we had at that point was nothing for anyone to be envious of. I must admit, I felt pretty awesome that some girl in a far away land was threatened by my very existence. But part of me was a little hurt. The naive part of me thought we could transition from fling to friends without all the fanfare. And one day it would be just a distant memory.
I never considered myself the kind of person who would have a fling. I hold relationships in such a high regard. It’s not often that you shatter your own image of yourself. Some days, I feel like I wasted nine-months, and others I remember the fun we had. Maybe, I needed something not so serious at that time to show how ready I was to have something real.
It taught me to appreciate the process. I realized, that I’d rather be surrounded by the amazing people in my life and be unattached. Than be trapped in a situation out of loneliness, which is exactly what that fling boiled down to.
So for right now, it’s just me and 90% of the time I’m ok with that. My life still goes on and I’m still pretty darn amazing, regardless of who is or isn’t by my side.
Until Next Time,